I have always wondered why we dream what we dream. Usually if you think back you were thinking about something that then caused you to dream that. You subconscious mind does that I guess. Like for instance about my surgery on my ear. I have ringing in my ear for over 20 years now (tinnitus) It was brought on by getting a cold. Doc said the cold virus attacked my nerve in my ear and killed it. I have never heard of this. But if you get   antibiotics  within 24 hours it will not effect the ear nerves. When it first started I could not even listen to the car radio. It sounded like I had broken speakers. So I had to listen to talk radio which wasn't so bad as far as the sound goes. It took 3 courses of antibiotics to get my hearing back to where I could listen to music without the distortion. As of right now I would say I have about 10% of my hearing left in my left ear with the constant ringing day and night. 

As of 2 days ago I just started a new medicine from online the guarantees it will stop the ringing. I will give the meds 30 days and see. 2 capsules (horse pills) a day in the morning. lol 

 

 These post are mainly me writing down my dreams.  Something I have always wanted to do but never did. They have always been weird. I remember back in the days of black in white TV's I was probably the only one who dreamt in color. Just because we had black and white TV's why would you dream in black and white? I have added the stories about what is going on in my love life for what reason I don't know. It doesn't seem like anybody is reading these. And it is mainly for my info anyway. lol

 So last night had a couple of weird dreams. First I was seeing under my brothers truck . He had just put a new exhaust on it and it was rattling bad. Well his truck was up on a cargo truck or something and while it was running I could see the exhaust shaking.  I was on the ground watching so could see under the truck pretty good. The intermediate pipe had come out of the muffler and was banging real fast against the frame. But then the crazy part it had come alive and had stretched out to the back of the truck and was moving around sorta like a snake. I took another piece of pipe and was hitting it. The next part of the dream was I had an appointment to go get my ear either operated on or some kind of procedure. I remember walking over to the place with my x wife and my grand daughter. We had been talking about the pain that was gonna be there when they gave me this shot in the ear. lol. Lots of pain is the way it was described. Anyway I remember saying maybe it is just a shot to kill the pain so I won't fell the surgery. ??? So we were sitting in the office and I walked up to this frozen food section there. ( what the hell, lol) and picked out a couple of frozen packages of breakfast.  And walked over to the receptionist and paid for them. 

The other thing that happened is yesterday evening I decided to leave Arizona and go back to Maryland. I had about 4 or 5 drinks and made that decision then. Probably shouldn't have done that while drinking. Hadn't heard from my lover all day and it was like 8 oclock here. She wasn't answering any of my text. No sooner then I did that, about 10 minutes later she text me and tells me she was sorry for not contacting me as she was out at some spa getting her body repaired.lol  She is preparing to run the boston marathon and had run 16 miles that morning.  

 

 So a lot to talk about today

1st my dream that I finally remembered. It is hard to remember them. I dreamed I was part of a military party in the woods . Not sure if it was our military or just a bunch of guys including me defending our country. We were out in the woods and people patrolling kept coming buy either walking or in vehicles. There were several back roads they were using. And when someone came by we would hide from them. Well at one point i must have left my M16 and couldn't find it. So at that point i wasn't able to shoot back if someone caught me so all I could do was run and hide. We did a lot of that. And they were also chasing us. But in the dream they came close but didn't find us. I one point I was in a shack and knew I was about to get caught as I saw them coming. It was night time and the shack had a light on in the inside and me and someone else were trying to figure out how to turn it off as we knew they would be able to see the light in the night. They went past us and somehow I was able to shot the last one . don't know where I got a gun. but I took his gun and had to shoot him at least 20 times before I killed him. Then took his Camo M16 and left with it. but remember thinking I may not have any or enough bullets for itl. We took off running a different direction and I remember thinking they won't suspect we went this way. Then I woke up

The other 2 things that happened to me I don't think I will ever forget. This is happened in real life. I was talking to a friend online and whatever we were talking about she said take a picture of your face so I can see your eyes. She said she can look into the soul thru the eyes. So I did. She later told me I was in a lot of pain and sorry and hurt. so much so she said it hurt her to look at it and wouldn't tell me anymore. wow that was crazy. 

The 2nd thing that happened a day or so later Is I had a women who I recently friended sent me a very long text message on messenger. She mentioned a few things and maybe I mentioned about why I came to Arizona to be near a women. I don't remember. Well she went on to tell a story about her brother and God had warned her about he was going to be killed. She warned her brother but he just laughed. so she told god that he wouldn't listen. So god told her to try to delay him. She did and when he left he almost got hit by a speeding car. So she was able to save him

But then later in her message she mentioned something about a car accident and someone dying.

I asked her was she talking about me or just relating another story,. The next day she said she was talking about me. She said that if I went to see danica I would be killed in a car accident. She described the car and the smashed fender and hood. And said that it looked like the control arm had broke and caused the crash. She said I can do what I wanted but she has never been wrong. God had told her to tell me this. She said believe it or not. But she has never been wrong and getting these messages since she was a kid. WOW

I also have been messaging with Danica as I have seen pictures of her with a new millionaire boyfriend and I called her out on it,. The most recent showed her exercising with him on a ballfield and at the finish she had a picture of the two of them in a big hug and liplock, He later went to Connecticut to the race with her for the weekend and then back to Chicago and the next morning riding bikes with him. I asked her about it.I was really mad. She said she can't really push him away? they work together as partners in Beam. I said sure you can. Just don't kiss him especially and tell him your not looking for a boyfriend. If you continue i feel that the two of you will be engaged. I think I am right and it falls in with my scam theory. That I am not really talking to the real Danica. I will NOT send anymore money until I talk with her on zoom or in person

 

 Since moving out here to Arizona and I saw photos of my girl with another man I have joined 2 different dating services.  On one I can like the person and then send a message. But about 1/2 of these women have their messages turned off. So what good is it to be on a site where u are trying to meet men and you turn your messages off? So far I haven't had any attractive women like me. Only big fat women. lol Sorry she must be physically attractive to me before I will even read her profile. And then if she seems like a bitch or puts in her description that "no Trumpers" I skip right by.  

 So yesterday I sat all day with no response from my lover. This morning I got the usual hello honey. She then said sorry the WIFI went down. I don't believe that for one minute. She is at her moms house in Chicago area and also at her house in Arizona she is telling me the wifi went down. It happens all the time at both places and I told her once before I have never seen anybody with such bad wifi. I don't believe her. I believe she is doing something else and that is the excuse she uses. Right now I have to think I am being played and will be very cautious from here on out. I text her to much. sometimes I will text as many as ten times with no response. Then she will say sorry honey I was away from my phone or I was busy. She once told me not to long ago that her mom was complaining she was always on the phone.  So she said she was gonna try to not text to much. So anyway I have decided that I will not text her until she text me. And when I respond I will wait until she responds back. I am constantly finding myself responding 3 ,4 or even 5 times before she responds.  This women has brought tears to my eyes many times. She is constantly going from state to state and doesn't tell me she is there. And I have told her how rude that is.  She even left the country and went to Egypt once for two weeks and told me that nobody was supposed to know she was going there. I can understand that to a certain extent as if it was announced she could possibly be kidnapped. Especially in a country that has muslim terrorist there. However she has been flying all over the country for probably 20 years or more and it is probably nothing for her and doesn't think about it. I told her to at least let me know "hey I am going to Cali today or Fla. today. I will text you when you I get there" That never happens and I have told her at least 3 times. All of this still makes me believe I am dealing with a scammer. And then I see or find things in her pictures and post that sorta prove to me she is not. 

So she just now responded to my text. It has been at least 1/2 hour maybe an hour. I am gonna let her wait for a response and see how she likes it. I am sure she is gonna notice that and then ask me what is wrong. We shall see. I also noticed she is always short with her answers. Like she just said had a lot to do yesterday. But if she tells me what she did  it is usually short also. Had to go thru my emails or had a lot of papers to do or look at. 

Now as far as my new home  I have a final settlement tomorrow (Mon) and should get the keys. My dilemma is I have to be out of the room I am renting at 11 am. So my food will be in my car until settlement. It will all be spoiled except the dry goods. I have messaged my realtor and asked if there is anyway I can put my stuff in the fridge there before settlement. She has not responded yet as I know she goes to church on Sunday mornings. 

So this morning I have written my response to the divorce papers I was served last week and signed it. Saying I agree with all the things we have agreed on in the papers. Now today I have to wash a load of clothes at a launder mat and get an envelope & stamp for this letter and mail it. Soon my divorce will be final. My X wants to know who this other women is. I told her I would tell her after the divorce. She is telling me she needs to know for closure. Well I am debating not telling her at all and if my new women is real she will find out in the news shortly after. 

      So in December , right before Christmas, I decided to tell my wife I wanted a divorce. It wasn't easy after 46 years of marriage and it wasn't her fault entirely. I asked her because I was getting older and wanted more out of life. You see I felt like I loved her but was not in love with her. And at my age,69, I was running out of time so made the decision. My wife was making me angry because she kept spending money on stuff we didn't need. Sometimes in any given day we would get 3-5 packages in a day. Everyday. When I asked her about it she blamed it on me and said she was lonely and that is why she was spending.  Well regardless of the reason we were getting behind on our bills. Over the years we had refinanced our house 3 times I think just to catch up. I deleted our 401k also to get caught up. Had I not had to do that we would have probably had 500K in there when I retired. So based on not being in love with her and her spending I decided it was time to make a change. 

    Plus I was on the computer almost every night as she watched movies I didn't like so I was on facebook and youtube. During this time I found a women or I found a scammer. It has been a year and I am still not totally sure. She is famous and rich. When I first started talking to her she told me she thought her boyfriend was going out on her.  That's kinda how our relationship first started..  I had my doubts as to if I was talking to the real person or a scammer. There was many reasons for this. First she told me she couldn't talk on the phone because they scan her calls. I didn't believe that. Then she told me the pictures on her phone didn't work. The camera and the voice so we could only text back and fourth. Plus her laptop camera didn't work. Now who is gonna believe this story from a millionaire women. She doesn't have a phone or laptop that works right. 

    But still during our text she would send me photos. Some were from instagram. When she would send one of those I told her not to. Anybody could grab that photo from the persons account and send it to me. I said send me only original photos that aren't on the internet. Then finally I got the idea of her to take a photo of her holding up a sign saying " I love you JR."  Well she did it. Yet I still had that doubt in my mind that a scammer may be able to even pull that off.  I first had asked her to make so funny hand gestures and take a photo which she did do one but it wasn't what I had asked her to do. So the sign with my name on it really helped me to believe I was talking to the real person. 

    Well long story short this women has woke my soul up. I have never felt this way about any women, And it wasn't because she is rich. I even told her I didn't want her money only her, and I would sign an agreement to that fact. She over the past year even has said "when we get married" I said are you asking me and she said yes. She said she was gonna take me to Paris. First time a women had assumed we were gonna get married. She was right but that was kinda weird to have a millionaire women just say she wanted to get married. Since this has happened I asked her for her hand in marriage as I thought it was the proper thing to do. Of course she said yes. 

     So our relationship has been going on for a year. Over this year this women has made me cry because of the deep felt love I have for her. I told her I think I was sent from the universe to help her and it also knew my soul needed hers.  And that is why the heartwrenching tears have come from. Once during the summer she had told me she didn't want to get involved with me as I was married and she didn't want to break up our family. I was out on my mower crying my eyes out while mowing and texting her. I told her I had already made that decision to leave my wife and she is the one and only one I would ever want. Well I convinced her to stick with me that day.  

     So after selling our house in Maryland I lived with my son for a few weeks as my wife got her own apartment. Then at work we got a new employee who was to take my place. And guess what he brought covid with him and 3 of us got it. So we all were out of work for about 3 weeks. That threw a wrench into my plans . A delay to move to Arizona to be near her. Long story short I almost got fired because I was sleeping at work with my dog. But they finally let that go and approved my transfer to Arizona. yeah!!!

    So I have been living here for 3 weeks or so and finally bought me a one bedroom trailer. She wanted to buy a house together which would have been fine but she was dragging her feet. The cost of renting a room here in Arizona was killing my bank account.  So I found this trailer and asked her if she was ok that I go ahead and buy it and if I did would she come and visit me there.  She said ok. 

    So then came this morning. I woke up Sat morning at 2 am and couldn't go back to sleep. So as usual I grabbed the laptop and turned it on instead of tossing and turning in bed. I opened up to her instagram page and also my facebook and youtube page. When looking at her instagram page I saw she had made  a post after I went to bed, It was a picture of her by the beach . Her next photo showed a new guy kissing her on the temple and her saying "working out on the beach is nice, but working out with you is better" WTF. Boy was I shattered. WTF is going on here. Shattered and at the same time my heart was broken.  So it made me think right away that I had been talking to a scammer , a real good scammer, this whole time. She had asked for money over the year and I had given her a total of about 27 K. What does a millionaire need with my measley money I thought. Why can't she use her own money to pay for what she needs. So I had a millionaire who is asking me for money every week or two and she has a phone that the voice call doesn't work and a laptop that the camera doesn't work. Doesn't sound right does it? So this morning I took a picture of the guy kissing her and sent it to her and said pretty much WTF is this. And also mentioned her words on the post.  I was hurt, angry and beside myself all at once. I still am not right as I type this. I posted under the photo can you explain this? Plus she was in California at the beach when supposedly the night before she was in Illinois spending time with her mother. Well am I a gullible fuck or what? I wanted to believe her so bad that I found myself making excuses for her and what was going on in the picture. To make matters worse the news picked up on it and said she had posted pics on instagram of her new boyfriend.  So I asked her all these questions about it and when she woke she posted the normal good morning honey how was your night. I responded with I am here instead of hello sweetheart.  She then responded I read all of your post and cant believe you would post this and throw it all at me in the morning. You shouldn't believe this stuff the media post. I responded that it was a strange man kissing her and her words that said he made the workout on the beach so much better. Or something to that effect that implied he was her lover.  She went on to tell me I was showing that i was insecure and I said yes. That so much because of the picture but her words confirming the picture. So she sent me the first picture she posted. I said yes I already saw that and the next picture you posted is him kissing you on the temple. So then I asked her What state she was in. She told me the truth. It wasn't Illinois she said California. That's where the beach house is. I said are you at the beach house? She said not anymore. That's when I asked her if she was at the beach house with him . Of which I never did get an answer. And that is how my day has been and I have had so much hurt and pain in my heart. Plus now tears as I write this. I am working so hard to raise my vibration and be a positive person. She is way above my level and I know it. It would be so easy to say fuck it and just drop her and forget her, I say easy but it wouldn't be easy. I am so much in love with her. But if she slept with this man I don't know if I ever could forgive her. But even though she says she loves me we have never ever been together. So does that give me the right to have a say???? I think she is  purposely not posting pictures of what she is doing because she knows I will see them on Instagram. And it's getting late so I don't think I will get an answer back from her tonight. I want to just avoid answering her and let her see what it feels like. But I have trouble doing that. Well I guess I will write some more in this tomorrow and if anyone reads it besides me you will know what happened. I always get so mad at her. She will just up and leave and won't tell me. She could be in Arizona or Illinois and next thing I know she is in Daytona or California. Never tells me she is leaving. This is another thing I told her out of respect for me should at least tell me. But no she never does. And it is another reason I think I could be dealing with a scammer, So here I am at 9 oclock 2 beers and on now on my 3rd glass of wine. Upset she has not contacted me all day. I just texted her and asked her if she turned her phone off. No response. That usually means in the am I will get a text from her " Good morning honey how was your night" Like nothing ever happened,

     This whole day has made me think of suicide. I have never thought of that seriously but with what is going on here in Arizona I feel like I have no friends at all. Nobody to talk to except on the phone and feel so lonely. and with what is going on between me and her if this is true I am contemplating it. I I knew for a fact she did have a man and I was in fact talking with a scammer I would consider it. My life is so sad. I am hopeing and praying she is real but sorta know she may not be. so if that in fact happens what is the use of living here by myself. i could go back and live with my son in his basement on his couch but it put to much hardship on there family. I could just live a homeless life but then my x would be out of her apartment and that wouldn't be right. So I just work until I drop I guess. Never retire. What a fucked up life should this all happen this way. 

    Ok so first thing this morning I read a short article about the photo on instagram of the guy kissing her. The people who wrote the article said they confirmed thru her public relations that she is in fact dating this guy and it appears I have been scammed. I had heard that this was possible and had my wife, son and daughter plus a 2 friends of mine say they thought i was being scammed. The main reason I didn't believe I was being scammed was because of the photo with my name on it and the fact that she zoomed called me and I could see her . But the sound didn't work. 

    So now I am contemplating calling my manager in Philly and asking him if I can come back to work in Md. This job here is much harder to do then the one I had in Md and there is a possibility they may want me there as my manager turned in his two week notice and it would help if I was there. So I am thinking of it now and probably most of the day to decide.I need to decide soon Or i will be committed to buy this lovely trailer for another 10K out of my pocket. 

    Well what do you know. She/he just finally contacted me back after hardly any text yesterday and none yesterday evening. I guess she/he thought we were done. I messaged her as if all was ok today and to please forgive me. Then sent her a text telling she/he about my lawsuit from my cancer and told she/he that I was getting 250 k and after lawyer fees I would end up with 150 k. That is when she/he finally responded. Imagine that. So we had a few little text and I told she/he i wanted a zoom call to tell her something about the money. She/he said she would have to arrange it. So I just texted she/he back and told she/he to try to get it done today as it was such good news about the details of the lawsuit that I wanted to tell her today. So now I am waiting. It is a big dilemma for me. If I am dealing with a scammer I will find out for sure on this zoom link up. If she is real and really is the women I am talking about well then I haven't been scammed at all. It's important I know today because if I have in fact been scammed then I want to make a call today and see if I can get my job back in Maryland. It is possible I think because of my manager turning in his notice there and they will be short handed. I will be a quick fix for them so the place can still run efficiently .

    Ok then so she/he finally text me after i told her i was sorry for being so abrupt on my text. lol I told her i had some good news about my lawsuit that i Had to tell her and I wanted to do it on zoom only. So we text for a bit and she proceeded to ask me for 800 dollars because the money I just sent her had gone down and she lost 800 bucks of it, I told her about 7 times no.  I said zoom me and I will do it after. lol Mean while the real women I posted pictures of herself and friends in Mexico partying and having a good time. She even sent me a pic that was taken in mexico in a desert type back ground and I asked her are you in Arizona. she said no I am at my parents. lol Illinois doesn 't have land light that. She says perhaps you are mistaken. Plus one of the pics she posted has her 3 girlfriends she always goes on trips with and guess what her brand new boyfriend is standing there next to her with his hand on her back. She and her girl friends are sitting in lounge chairs and he is standing next to her with his hand on her back and they all have drinks. Plus not sure if I said this earlier but the news has talked to her rep and they confirmed that her and this guy are in fact dating or in a relationship., 

    Plus the situation has changed at my old job. Since I no longer have a girl friend at Arizona and I don't like this job here I am gonna ask to get my old job back in Maryland. I have got to call my boss that is up in Philly that helped me make this transfer and see if he will let me do it. With my old boss turning in his notice they are gonna be short handed and I would think an easy answer to their problem to help them out.